#AND IT TOOK SIX YEARS AND SEVEN MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS TO DIAGNOSE ME AS AUTISTIC

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

never forget how when I was 13 and in grade 8 I had just started writing the Fostered series & that entire year I was so excited about it that I would talk and talk and talk about it in class, bring the manuscript with me to edit on field trips, and write when I finished my work early—and all of this culminated at the end of the year when I was talking to these girls and one of them was like “yeah you talk about your books a lot” and I was like “omg do I??? okay name a character” and they all went “HARRISON???”

[confessions-official]

once after i got my autism diagnosis i was talking with my mom about it, and i said something along the lines of “it’s wild that none of my doctors ever picked up on it when my elementary school classmates could tell at age seven that i was autistic” and my mom was like “oh no i actually asked your doctor about an autism diagnosis when you were six or seven and she said you were too smart to be autistic”. which is WILD because if that doctor had looked at my family history of autism she would have immediately started the process of getting me a diagnosis. me, my cousins, and my brother are all neurodivergent and both of my dad’s siblings are as well. i think my dad is the only one on his side of the family that isn’t professionally diagnosed with some sort of neurodivergency.

also i was more Noticeably Autistic as a kid because i didn’t know how to mask as well, but now that i do know how to mask, i just mask all the time because it’s easier and people feel less weirded out by my existence. so during the process of diagnosis, when i was having to do all these assessments, i was masking in front of people who i knew had to deal with autistic kids who didn’t know how to mask and hopefully would never have to. AND THEN I ALMOST DIDN’T GET A DIAGNOSIS because i was masking too well for them! but when i go to school people feel weird around me because i’m not acting in a way that makes them want to talk to me when i’m just sitting in a corner and reading because i’m anxious about trying to talk to someone and accidentally fucking up a social cue or not knowing when it’s my turn to speak so i just don’t interact with people. and i get overstimulated very very quickly when i’m trying to mask so when i get home i have meltdowns because that’s the only place where i feel like itms safe for me to not mask, so my parents see more of me non-masked. but when i go to doctor’s appointments, i end up masking because i don’t want my doctor to treat me like i’m five years old when i am in fact a decade older and i can actually articulate my feelings. and so when i went to do the autism diagnosis assessments my brain immediately shifted into How Do You Do, Fellow Allistics? mode and then that resulted in them going “well they don’t act autistic but they have a history of acting autistic so we’ll give them the diagnosis anyway” which like. not great but i got the diagnosis regardless

in short, the us healthcare system is a joke and usamerican society is incapable of producing any autistic people who are not extremely traumatized. if a medical professional who does not specialize in autism questions the fucking autism diagnosis it took me four goddamn years to get i will simply disappear into the forest and eat leaves until i am no longer overstimulated please i am so tired

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